Comatose
by Misura
Summary: He can see her face. He can touch her hand. But he can't read her mind. [a Schuldich-musing]


Comatose

*

Warnings/notes : Schuldich + a certain comatose girl, Crawford, Nagi, complete absence of Farfarello, possibly ooc, Schuldich pov, somewhat weird.

Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz. The song 'Comatose' belongs to Depeche Mode.

[!] Spoilers for Aya's relative and a certain comatose girl.

written at 11th april 2004, by Misura

This is supposed to be something of a 'missing scene', taking place before the episode in which a certain someone is kidnapped.

**********

_//Comatose, almost_

_You've got me dreaming//_

She fascinates me. 

I like that, like someone interesting in a world of boring people.

Everyone else whose face I've ever seen has a mind that's an open book to me. An open book with a lot of empty pages, to be precise. A book I can read and write in. 

Once I've seen their faces, I know their lives. 

"Schuldich ... "

Their pasts, at any rate. and also their hopes, their wishes ... their fears.

Sounds cool, doesn't it? A world without anyone who's able to keep a secret from you ...

_//Slipping in_

_And sliding out_

_Of conscious feeling//_

It gets old and boring pretty fast. As old and boring as those fools who think they control me, control *us*, their precious pet-team of Gifted ones. They don't have a clue about the path Crawford has chosen for us, which will lead to our freedom. 

Will she still be here then?

Shall I ever act upon my curiosity to find out what she's like awake?

Or would the spell be broken the moment she opens her eyes, when I can look into them and see her soul? Is she, like Crawford keeps telling me, no different from any other girl?

"Snap out of it."

At first I thought Crawford was boring too, you know. The funny thing is that he too has been able to keep me from reading his mind, from the first time we met. Yet I never was quite as fascinated with him as I am now with her.

_//Take a light_

_Start the flame_

_Play the game//_

"I'm fine," I reply. It's true. 

"That wasn't what I was asking you about." Crawford isn't completely lacking in interesting sides. He's merely pretending to be bland, hovering in the background until something needs doing. Then, he steps up and takes control, as if it were the most logical thing in the world. No one ever objects a second time.

"You're making a fuss over nothing." Over the years, I have even discovered that his mask isn't as perfect as he likes to believe it to be. He's not wholly emotionless and I enjoy to make use of that knowledge. It may be dangerous to play games with him, but it's also fun.

"I don't. And I won't allow *you* to either." A somewhat cryptic remark, fitting for an Oracle. One who sees the future ... I wonder what it's like to be Brad Crawford sometimes. Probably even more boring than being a Mastermind. Poor guy. Small wonder he's such a bastard.

_//I am lost_

_In your eyes_

_Hypnotised//_

Still, having a life that sucks big time doesn't give him the right to order me around like some subordinate. He may be our only chance for a life away from Estet, but I will not be satisfied with exchanging one master for another and the sooner I can get this point across the better.

Rather than respond aloud though, I turn around. Back to her, the one whom we have come to see today. How silly of Crawford to object to me doing this, when it was him who brought us here in the first place. Or maybe I should say 'how typical'.

I reach out to take her pale hand into my own. It's rather small and lacking in any strength. If it wasn't for the machines surrounding her, I might think her dead.

But no. Although her mind is gone, her heart still beats.

One day, her eyes will open and she will dance through the world again. And smile. I have seen her like that, smiling and whirling around her beloved brother, the poor stupid boy.

_//Here I believe_

_Dreams never deceive//_

In his mind, their love was perfect. Unreal. Nobody has that perfect a bond with another human, siblings or not. But it keeps him alive, pulls him through. That memory of her is the spark he uses to keep away the darkness.

People enjoy lying to themselves. It is a vice that maybe I too am guilty of. Then again, there are few vices and sins I am *not* guilty of. And self-delusion is such a nice one ...

Perhaps though, this once it's true. Once she opens her eyes, I will know. I will know everything about her then. She'll turn out to be just an ordinary girl, with ordinary dreams of being a movie-star.

Or so Crawford claims. He has been mistaken before. He is not unfallible.

And I will never be sure, refusing to take his word for it, until that day on which she will awaken to find the world has moved on without her, to find her body aged, matured without her being aware of it.

_//Comatose, almost_

_You've got me dreaming//_

To find her brother, her beloved Ran, who has soiled his soul with sin and death, for the sake of her life. What will it do to her, I wonder, to know that the hands that hold her are stained with blood?

And what will it do to him, to see the innocence of youth fade from her eyes as he tells her what he has been doing for a living these past years?

I wish I could be there to watch their reunion, to taste the honey of his hurt and pain, mixing, blending with the taste of the loss of her naivety, the realisation that this world is not the bright and happy place she had once thought it to be.

She will change because of it. But how? Who is Aya really? Who has she been, aside from an adoring and adorable little girl? Who will she be, aside from a mind in an older body and the living reminder of her brother being a murderer?

_//Slipping in_

_And sliding out_

_Life has no meaning//_

"Schuldich ... "

Her brother is so very easy to read most of the time. Yet he too has a certain appeal, because there's such an intensity to his every emotion. Where other people are annoyed or angry, Ran is furious, his mind a burning flame of indignation. Happiness isn't really a feeling Ran is too familiar with nowadays, which is just fine with me, really. I can only take that much sugar.

Ran is always in a certain amount of pain too, the guilt of not having been able to protect her like a big brother should gnawing at him. A normal person might have attempted to suppress this discomfort by ceasing to visit the cause of it, by trying to forget, but not Ran.

Will she too be in possession of this intensity? I certainly hope so.

Her hands should be strong, their grip firm, not limp. She should be up and walking, away from this place of illness and death. And she should wear a dress, not some formless hospital-gown.

_//Bodies move_

_Colours change_

_Girl you're strange//_

Yes, I can see it now. She should wear a blue dress, or maybe a white one. Not red. Red is the color of blood. She wouldn't want to wear it, even if her life has been bought with death.

She would sit in the grass, surrounded by flowers, a gentle spring-breeze playing with her hairs. The personification of innocence. And, of course, an utter perversion of the truth.

Because that girl in a blue dress who smiles at you so sweetly isn't innocent at all. She'll never be innocent again, thanks to her brother. Wearing her name on his lips like a prayer, he killed.

Using her name like a shield, he lived as a hired assassin in the service of Kritiker, putting up with nosy team-mates and employers who share information on a strictly 'need-to-know'-basis.

Aya isn't the name of an innocent young girl anymore.

_//Here inside_

_I'm at home_

_I'm alive//_

There are times when I feel like I can almost touch her mind, communicate with the spirit that used to inhabit this empty shell of a body. It's not entirely devoid of any life, of course, but the presence that lingers keeps slipping through my fingers like fog.

I can see it from a distance, perceive a vague form beckoning me onwards, deeper into the emptiness, yet when I reach the place where it was, it's gone.

Crawford is afraid I may loose myself in here, go too deep and no longer be able to return. He is a fool, who doesn't understand anything. I'm a telepath. I know what I'm doing.

"Schuldich ... "

Nobody else at Estet is as good as I am. I'm the best. That is, of course, the only reason why Crawford is so reluctant to let me 'risk' myself over this little fascination of mine.

It's not as if he cares. It's not as if I want him to. It's so much easier to push the buttons on a person who considers feelings to be a weakness and looks on everything and everyone as a tool to be used.

_//Don't be afraid_

_I'm floating away//_

Without me being aware of it, my hand has squeezed hers. She makes no protest, naturally. Had there been even the most remote of chances for her to wake up today, I'm sure Crawford would have ordered me to remain at home, with Farfarello.

I hear a girl's laugh, sunny and cheerful, though I'm not quite sure if it's merely a memory I dragged out of Ran's mind, or if it's the real Aya who is laughing at my attempts to find her. The last seems highly unlikely, but who is to say?

"Schuldich ... " What is it with Crawford saying my name? He's annoying me, breaking my concentration like this. I thought he was the quiet type, so why won't he simply shut up?

_//Comatose, almost_

_You've got me dreaming//_

A hand grabs my shoulder, shaking me roughly. I don't like being touched in any way, especially not in the current situation. Touching someone enhances my gift, giving me no other option but to perceive that someone's thoughts and feelings.

In Crawford's case, it doesn't quite work that way. But his touch added to his forcing my body to movement, jars me from my self-induced trance, forcing me to abandon my chase after the shade of Aya to refocus on my surroundings.

"Nagi has gotten all information the Elders wanted. We will leave now."

I sigh. And nod, obedient for the moment. There's no need to fight over everything. I'll just defy him often enough to remind him he's not my master.

Nagi doesn't. I sometimes wonder if Crawford even thinks of him as a fellow human being at all. On bad days (wait, make that 'worse' days), I also wonder if Nagi himself thinks of him that way.

_//Slipping in_

_And sliding out_

_Of conscious feeling//_

I will see her again soon. 

I will wait for her to wake up.

I may be disappointed. In fact, that's even rather likely.

But without any hope, no human can survive.

_//Comatose, almost_

_Comatose, almost_

_Comatose.//_

~OWARI~


End file.
